Under Pressure
It's easy to be mindful and to sink into silent contemplation when things are relaxed and chill. What happens in more stressful moments underlines the level of skill reached.
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the meditation group yesterday.
Yes, it sounds like the beginning of a joke, and it was funny, I was amused, but it isn’t a joke.
It was my turn to lead, so of course I had intended to get there early.
But by the time I got in the car to drive over, the meditation was to begin in just over fifteen minutes.
Naturally there were all kinds of obstacles on the way. A bus with flashing lights for several minutes for no apparent reason and every red light, so I slid in only a couple of minutes before meditation, when the main leader had despaired of me being there and had the materials at her side, prepared to jump in and take my place.
So why was I smiling on my way there instead of fuming? I was seeing how funny it was to be stressed and rushing on the way to sit in serene silence.
It was encouraging that I wasn’t losing my mind and getting in my own way because I was late. Would it have been better to not have gotten lost in my day in the hour before leaving and to have gotten there on time? Of course. But it was good to register the progress that there was.
It’s like the book from another post this week, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics. In the first months of his meditation practice, the author’s wife remarked something to the effect of him not being as difficult as usual.
Only it’s taken a long longer for the peace to really begin to sink in, decades not months.
It seems that some of us are a quicker study.
This also brought to mind something C.S. Lewis wrote years ago in his book, Mere Christianity.
On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is. If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul.
From abridged excerpt in this blog
In other words, I might like to think the ‘real me’ is the parts of me I like and display when all is well and the sun is bright. But it is how I behave under pressure that better demonstrates any real progress.
I struggle at times when I have demonstrably failed to do something I should have done, like show up on time to something I am leading, or whatever, with feeling judged by others. Whatever kind words they may say about my fault, or even if they don’t mention it, I hear the gavel slamming down.
Guilty as charged!
So part of my challenge at the event and since has been dealing with the sinking feeling of having failed and been further diminished in the sight of people whose opinion of me is important, who I value.
It is a further reminder of a number of truths.
It’s not about me. Too often I project on other people judgmental atttitudes they don’t even have.
Even if others are angry at me for this, I’m overthinking this if I think it’s some kind of catastrophe. I’m human so I can be relied on to let others down at times. That’s what others do. I can make plans for how I can do better in the future and follow through, as I mentioned to the main leader before heading to choir, and I can even be successful in that progress, but I cannot stop being human and disappointing people, however hard I try.
I also know that at lower energy times, when I at at risk for becoming depressed, I am more sensitive to what I think people feel about me, more likely to feel judged and rejected.
Most importantly, life is to be lived by grace through faith, in the adequacy and reliability of Reality Itself.
That is 100% dependable, solid rock under my feet.
What’s your experience with stress. letting people down, feeling like you have failed, and so on? Feel free to share whatever you like.