Loving When It's Difficult
If you're like me, love is delightful for your children, your friends, and family members to whom you're close. Not so much in relationships of struggle.
If you had never heard of Bob Goff or his book Everybody, Always, this book summary might help you get an idea.
He seems like a nice guy and from what I can tell, he makes some good points in his book that resonate.
I am one of those difficult people
Guilty as charged. I like to think of the others as difficult but know many think I am difficult for a variety of reasons. Yet we are loved by God as God’s children.
Loving people who are easy to love makes me think I am good at it
Photo by Patty Brito on Unsplash When I think of people who are easy to love, my children, my husband, my closest friends, other people who are near and dear, my heart fills and overflows with delight. They are so amazing and wonderful! I feel very loving and successful at loving!
This is not to say that I awful at loving. But it is not a good gauge of how skilfully I love to look at how I feel about these people.
Love the people I don’t understand, I disagree with, the ones who are flat wrong.
Image source - Duty Calls
Wait, what? Those people who are just wrong? Wrong about politics? Wrong about the way they treat other people? Wrong about the climate crisis? Wrong about (insert pet peeve/biggest issue here)?
As mind-blowing as it seems, yes. But before I go any further, it’s important to re-assert unconditional love doesn’t mean condoning abuse. You may love and fully accept a person while recognizing the only way that person is willing to relate to you is in a toxic, demeaning, or abusive manner, and lying down and allow them to walk all over you and abuse you however this wish isn’t what unconditional love means.
If you’re still confused about this, think of how Jesus related to people who were harsh or abusive. He was caring but spoke the truth about their behaviour and that it was unacceptable and hurting others.
People who are becoming love stop letting fear call the shots.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash There are many ways fear impedes my love for people, especially those I feel are difficult. I could be afraid they do not like or respect me (I may be very right about that - it is not inherently a problem as not everyone will like or respect me). I could be afraid they will expose me as the fraud or imposter I am (imposter syndrome can still affect me in vulnerable areas). I could be afraid they will harm me or others I care about. And on. And on.
Healthy love, though, is secure that regardless of how others feel about me, I can care about them. It is unafraid of exposure because it is rooted in integrity and truth, and the vulnerability of being an imperfect person who is perfectly loved by God. It accepts that it is impossible to ensure no one will ever get hurt while at the same time carefully setting and properly communicating good boundaries and rules of engagement for the best possible outcomes.
There is a lot more to Bob Goff’s book, and from what I can tell, it may have some significant limitations.
My takeaway, though, is that there is too much to learn from difficult people to shy away, and that love is too limited without learning how to love them better.