Complicated Feelings

I've been thinking about how life is joyful and painful and surprising and ordinary and so many different things all at the same time

This video usually makes me cry because it evokes the father abandonment wound vividly.

How is it that in the midst of deep contentment, even a life that is filled with laughter and joy, grief can be always present at the same time?

Tomorrow is Hallowe’en, and perhaps it’s just me, but it feels like more people than usual are really getting into elaborate house displays, some exceptionally gory.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Yep. Lots of skeletons, mock severed body parts, etc. etc.

Hey, I do believe in Memento Mori. Don’t get me wrong.

Photo by Christopher Stites on Unsplash

I believe it is healthy and good to retain an ongoing awareness of the brief span of life.

Knowing that one day (maybe a lot sooner than we think, we never know) we will die brings a perspective which is absolutely essential to life.

But horror and the serial killer vibe is too much for me.

All Saints/All Souls, though, I really appreciate, and look forward to each year.

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From the time I was young, I found the idea of every Christian being considered a saint inspiring and also rather daunting.

I had no illusions about myself even then. I knew I was far from perfect.

But from I Peter 2:

¹ Ἀποθέμενοι οὖν πᾶσαν κακίαν καὶ πάντα δόλον καὶ ὑποκρίσεις καὶ φθόνους καὶ πάσας καταλαλιάς,² ὡς ἀρτιγέννητα βρέφη τὸ λογικὸν ἄδολον γάλα ἐπιποθήσατε, ἵνα ἐν αὐτῷ αὐξηθῆτε εἰς σωτηρίαν,³ εἰ ἐγεύσασθε ὅτι χρηστὸς ὁ κύριος.⁴ πρὸς ὃν προσερχόμενοι, λίθον ζῶντα, ὑπὸ ἀνθρώπων μὲν ἀποδεδοκιμασμένον παρὰ δὲ θεῷ ἐκλεκτὸν ἔντιμον,⁵ καὶ αὐτοὶ ὡς λίθοι ζῶντες οἰκοδομεῖσθε οἶκος πνευματικὸς εἰς ἱεράτευμα ἅγιον, ἀνενέγκαι πνευματικὰς θυσίας εὐπροσδέκτους [τῷ] θεῷ διὰ Ἰησοῦ Χριστοῦ.

There is no doubt that the writer is addressing people just like us, who were struggling with deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and using their words to hurt others. He asks them to long to drink the Word as a newborn desires mother’s milk. and to grow in their experience of salvation. So they too had a long way to go toward what most think of as sainthood. They were still baby Christians in a lot of ways.

But, shocker, these are the ones who, in the same way as Jesus was carved out as a living stone, tested then rejected by humans but of the greatest honour and worth to God, were called to be living stones making up a house for God, a sacred priesthood, offering up spiritual sacrifices well-received by God through Christ.

Because it is not about my worth, or any human’s worth, in any human estimation. It is about God choosing me, choosing you, over and over again every day, to be holy and honourable.

ἅγιον

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My adequacy resides not in myself but comes from God. I know this from 2 Corinthians 3:

.⁵ οὐχ ὅτι ἀφ’ ἑαυτῶν ἱκανοί ἐσμεν λογίσασθαί τι ὡς ἐξ ἑαυτῶν, ἀλλ’ ἡ ἱκανότης ἡμῶν ἐκ τοῦ θεοῦ,

If I am indeed a living stone hewn out of the rock that is this life, and formed into a dwelling place for the Creator of the Universe, if I am part of a sacred priesthood giving up offerings of the spirit, not spilling the blood of chickens or lambs on the altar, but reaching into the farthest depths of my world to give everything that is most precious to me to God, out of my time, my abilities, my understanding of who I am in God, my money…

Then it makes sense that my feelings would be very complicated indeed.

And you know, I’ve thought about actually becoming an Anglican priest. I realized a long time ago that that was not the path for me. But I have come to understand over the past months that I am still called, I still have a vocation, as a layperson who is a contemplative and hopes to become a missioner.

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Being carved out as a living stone can be painful, at times to the point of feeling unbearable.

But what a privilege to be a place for the living God to reside and work.

Humbling and a source of immense joy and satisfaction at the same time.

In Being With session 7 last night, one of the parts of the story that still stops me in my tracks this morning, will always awe me, is that Jesus could have chosen to cling to just being God, rather than becoming human. But he chose us. He chose to be with us, to be with us to the very end, though it meant a horribly agonizing execution on a cross and the feeling of utter aloneness and separation from God the Father.

Photo by marissa ciavone on Unsplash

I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to love more than that.

So whenever I feel alone, I want to cling to this: to remember Jesus still chooses me.